There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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