the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
