Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
