I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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