my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
