I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
