You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
