I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
