Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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