His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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