i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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