get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
