he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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