I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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