I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
