Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
