Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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