What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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