I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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