"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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