Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
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