Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
