Sry I called you an 8
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
