did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
