i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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