haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
