There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
