I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
