I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
