I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just found a bag of teeth...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
A bitchslap is in order.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
