She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize