he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
