my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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