she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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