Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
