I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
