i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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