where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize