my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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