I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
