if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
