Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize