i was born a porn star she said
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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