I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
