the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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