I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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