I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
