I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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