My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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