Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
