So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
