so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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