you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
