I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
