4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
