I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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