I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
