You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
