a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
