my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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