Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
