I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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