just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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